So one must always ask, if out of nothing more than curiosity, how many people actually read this thing. Aside from how many,is the more important question of 'who'? I don't know who reads this or how much it means to anyone...but for a time, knowing that this blog was being read, meant everything to me...
What's it like...is it warm, or cold, is it over cast or sunny? To the common reader those questions would obviously refer to the weather, would it not? But it is not the weather of which I speak,it is the heart...
I speak those questions most importantly to my own heart...I recently bailed out of jail someone close to me. And to see that person released, walking with what seemed like shame before me, broke my heart. I couldn't determine why...inside I wanted so
desperately to be angry at this person...I wanted to unleash the burning fury that required me to relinquish my personal savings, which was not very much in the eyes of the world, to set this person free. Why should I have to take the earnings of my
labor, and place it at the feet of someone who seems to be so careless with their own life?
And then it hit me....'are you listening to yourself?','what are you saying?' I often like to think that I may have a heart inside me that deserves to keep beating in order to keep me alive...And then I catch myself in a state of thought that makes me feel like I have betrayed that heart. Is my heart so cold to think such cruel and hell bent thoughts? But wait it was warm and kind enough to perform that which was required to liberate someone from captivity....
Is my heart being over shadowed by something that causes me pain, doubt, and fear?
Or is it the element of light that brings hope,faith, and belief to others?
At times I think it has been all of the above.
I love this person. I do. My heart beats for the well being of this person, and thus
moved to help. But in result my heart was taken to anger, and disdain, because of
the things that were done. Is my heart two sided, or can it truly betray itself in the
thoughts that contradict each other? Can I wield both positive and negative emotions
at the same time? I don't know...
I have known myself to be one who, for the most part, acts upon the dictates of my heart....but what must I do when it feels like the dictates tell me to do two things that cannot be done. Either it must be one, or it must be the other...
On a different note, here are the recent events of the life of Vir Fusc(it means brown guy in Latin).
I still teach my two ballroom classes and coach the team at Provo High School, still assist with the symphonic band, I direct the color guard program, and now I teach four choir classes! Needless to say I think my teaching schedule has become incredibly busy...but as I have said before I think I like it that way. It keeps me busy, and therefore moving in mind and body.
My parents think I do too much, have too little time, and all my peers think I am insane because I sleep the usual 3 1/2ish hours a night to keep up with my schedule. Friends think I have no social life, but I do! It exists between the hours of 11pm and 1:30 am...at which point i am at home, getting ready for bed :)
Dad think I am going to go to hell because I haven't found a wife yet. I explain that I am busy, and that I am not looking right now to find a wife. He insists that I am under the influence of the devil because only the devil would say such things, so he can keep me away from salvation. Perhaps he is right...I don't know.
Choir is doing well, getting ready for region festival and tour. Band is good, but it is smaller than it was last semester and struggling a bit. Ballroom is doing better than ever, and I am excited to kick off in the competition season; They should do pretty well this year! Winter guard is also doing quite well. At our evaluation they bumped us up two classes because the kids did so well.
Life, love, friends, trials, labors, knowledge....experience. I hope I am doing what I can to have the best experience, so that I may provide a good experience for those whom I serve...
God bless and God speed...
Oel ngáti kámeie...
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5 comments:
It is exquisetly intriguing to see all the things that you indeed accomplish in your life! Every moment that passes by is one full of joy and Experience. Taking all that life has to give unto you, and focusing your energy to unleash a great and magnificent power that is inside of you.
Your heart is one of the most pure to desire all that you can truly pursue, as you do so flawlessly, not intended to mean that you are perfect, for none of us are well perfect. But, save from true perfection, your shining grace for life has shown all of us the great potential any life can have. I sit back to watch you change the lives of so many, many you come contact to help drive their passions to greater expectations, I, myself being one of those lives you have shown such gratitude and life changing motives. I have grown so endearingly to excel in all that I do, to change the lives of all I touch as you do.
My thoughts on the matter of you being the most wonderful man in my eyes, save bar-none to my own father, in whom I have found an even greater love for in growing into the woman I am now.
Tiave, all that you do affects all those who are around you, or care about you, and all that you choose to do, and have chosen to do. I am well pleased with your accomplishments.
Also, being that I can see some part of your life, and read of all the things that you so choose to do. I had found some form of distance has grown between us, and that has been troubling, though I had in my own form chose to continue to always find a way to know what is happening thus in your life.
--Your dear and always loving Friend, Tiauna Elise Beckes
I don't know if you wanted us to actually reply to that first part... but I read it
-Andi
I read this last night but was interrupted by a needing-his-mom 2 1/2 year old, so i finished this morning. We always look for your posts, so know that we read...we will reply later!
Your heart is glowingly warm. Hearts that care the most are sure to hurt at times. That is the course of life. I smile knowing you are indeed living a good life.
Just wanted to let you know that both my mom and I enjoy your eloquent writing. And my mom says she's still waiting for you to come over and play games. So, if you can find time in your busy schedule... between 11:30 and 1:00 am ... or pm might be better... say on a Sunday afternoon... we'd love to share your company. :)
Sorry I wasn't able to come to the competition tonight-- I'll explain next time I see ya. I hope your team did well though!
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