Torn...

Recently I had undergone an experience that I told myself I wouldn't. I attended a viewing that for some reason had gone against everything belief and conscience dictated.

What was it? Why did I do it? Were there reasons for going at all?

I speak the truth when I say I understand not, the reasons or motivations. But what I felt, I can say was a partition of emotion that perhaps controlled my decision.... it was depth of emptiness that compelled me to move; The need to understand what was meant, when thus was said: 'You are my Jacob...'

So far reaching is the mind, and heavy laden is the heart, when results of such things transpire that leave you in awe. How is it, that feeling a particular way seems to be so right, and yet to justify that which is lawfully correct also seems right? How can they both be correct? Do I allow the dictated reach of mind to judge which is right, and let suffer that which governs how I see, the very heart I bear? Or shall I follow the lead of the beat in my breast, and condemn myself to lawful and social "justice"? So it is in awe, awe in respect to that which we cannot control, nor comprehend until later days. And yet we struggle to comprehend...

To you I ask: Edward or Jacob?

Every Lady wants to have an Edward...every Lady needs a Jacob...

After having viewed the film, it rushed me into thinking. What side of reason and logic would make any lady want to become, as Edward put it, a 'monster'? But then again, most ladies don't rely on reason or logic to embrace the bounds of a decision. And then it struck me... Edward is the Emotion, Jacob is the logic.

Edward it is, for Edward is loved...but, so is Jacob, is he not? Text claims that she realizes she loves Jacob...but is unwilling to leave Edward. Why is that? She is bound to her commitment, but she has need for reason as well...It is so, because logic never could convince the heart of that which it is truly committed. In likeness, emotion can never be understood by the voice of that which is logic.

She is right...and yet, she is wrong...

Is it Emotion? Is it Logic?

Is it Edward? Is it Jacob?

Know which one governs you...

...know which one you are....

I am Edward. I am Jacob. I am Both. I am neither. I am torn...

truth or lies...you read and decide...

Are you happy?
Are you lonely?
Are you yourself?
Are you fulfilled?
Are you understood?
Are you everything you need to be....?

I want to be me again...me, before, when I had everything that was taken away...

How beautiful it is to look back, and see the things that make me who I am. I had such drive! I harnessed such power! Within me was the ability to climb into the realm of life, and live where those in the world would say I only exist!

"You are nothing, you are broken, you have no further purpose..."

Ridicule I endured, because of what I am. And I am! Proud to cry out, in resonance, that, I AM! Nothing you say can convince me of anything different than the truth. I have lived...when everyone else said it was impossible. I have lived!

I took to heart the night when memory was painted across the valley skies. Dark was the night, cold was the wind, and endless seemed the trial at hand. Stranded we sat...confused we lingered...and helplessly we tried with all our might! Yet we availed nothing, for the night and wind and rain, were hell bent to claim us.

Together they battered against me, and pushed me to the edge of life. They swore by the night, that they would not let up till their claim was fulfilled. And so they continued, relentlessly, with overpowering aggression, to see me fall.

With eyes closed and watered, running the essence of life that keeps vision ahead, he felt the grip of submission over take him. He let go, despaired and broken hearted. Amidst the noise I heard him give a silent plea, asking deliverance from the hands that had secured him in dark fear. I felt his warm tears pouring down, and then his grip release...he had given up.

It was then that I felt it. The answer had come. It was up to me, and if I didn't act, we both would have been found lifeless when day light would show forth her power.

"Let go!" I cried to him, let me do it! "If we fight, we are lost!" He gave up and loosed entirely his grip, releasing the element of control to me. Looking around, I shined what light I had to decide what I had to do. The falling rain had let me slip into the clutches of nature, and far had we drifted, close to the deep cliffs where the very jaws of nature sought to destroy us. Canyon walls closed in around us, as if they were slowly surrounding our position to devour us in the degrading teeth of despair. The skies roared in thunderous laughter, as they celebrated with flashes of lightning!

This night was confident that we had lost...but so far from the truth were they! As I watched him defeated and mocked by elements against us, it surged the very power of life into me! "NO!" I pleaded, but he didn't hear me, so deep was this lie that convinced him that he was beaten. I knew what I needed to do.

Placing my hands and feet into the dark and wet ground, I very slowly began to climb. I mustn't fail. Be careful, be cautious, and make sure your footing and placements are sure. If a mistake is made, we will slip, and it will surely mean the end. I carried him, keeping only the element of his freedom in mind. I worked, and toiled, and though the skies mocked my efforts, the act of my defiance grew with everything I had in me.

"We will live!"

He opened his eyes after a short while after I had stopped climbing. He looked out, and saw that somehow we had conquered our predicament. After shedding a few more tears, he looked up and said thank you to the being hidden behind the clouds and the storms. He knew he had been delivered, and so grateful was he for the kindness of that great being.

We took our leave of the mountain, and when we had come back into the city he stopped. Crying again, he gave to me, something I thought I would never have.

"Thank you Hidalgo", he said to me. "My life is in debt to you." Immediately I began to understand in small proportion, the emotion of love that humans feel. It offered a sense of loyalty, and commitment. Existence began to be life to me, to live in the hands of the first human, and his heavenly calling, who gave me life.

My name is Hidalgo, and many a memory I have with him. I watched as he bore his love for a woman, who had become everything to him. She lived far away, and came to see him as often as she could. I bore her with pride, here and there, where ever they needed as they lived their short time together.

They loved each other. That was truth. And then He denied her, not knowing what it was that he was doing...

Distance, and stupidity became his standing ground instead of willingness for love. Abruptly he separated them, breaking it all off. Bitter was the separation, for pride sustained it and time assisted it. They would not see the love they had for each other bring them back together.

This is life, for I was granted such a thing as life in order to save a life. I am not lonely, nor unfulfilled. I am happy for I knew him, when he knew love. I understood him when he was foolish. These elements have created who I am, and I know me. With these things, I am happy and therefore, I am everything I am, and everything I need to be.

I am Hidalgo.