When it comes...

Every person, in every deed, seeks to fine something. For each individual, it varies, as well as with every task. For some to complete a marathon, may be a near life long training purpose. For others it may be to complete an education. Yet from the eyes of the watchers, some tasks may appear to be superior accomplishments, and some to be inferior. What is it then, that would drive us to attempt, and in most cases even achieve what others might tell us is impossible?

My first year in college, I was training to audition for the back up tour team. In my process I was told to not worry about it, not to get my hopes up, because I probably wouldn't make it. In the face of pessimism, I trained every day I possibly could. I would not be told that I could not become...and so I pushed on. The day of results came, and my name was posted as one who had made it. In the faces of those who thought me incapable, I simply smiled and said thank you.

All my life, through all my accomplishment, I have sought to please the two elements of highest regard to me...My heart, and my father. Impossible as it seemed to procure the approval of my father, I did everything I could. Unprecedented accomplishments in current careers, honorable return from a full time service mission of the LDS faith, and many other things that most people would not dream of doing. All these, in hopes to reach a median of pride I could offer my father...and to avail nothing.

For truly dreams and hopes come alive in the moments you think un-important. It came to me, at the least of all...concluding the final piece of music, on the closing night of our production, "Joseph and the amazing technicolor dream coat", I turned around to see MY FATHER, in tears. Leaving the Vatican, I rushed to his side to receive, in shock, a full embrace. One that I have never had before, not from my father. And the words he whispered in my ears, were the very words I had been aspiring to hear my whole life. "I am proud of you"

You are never quite sure what to expect as it happens. I thought of all things I could to give him reason to say those words to me, and have never heard them before. Every son wishes to hear those words from his father. How many of them ever really do? Finally, when it comes...your world crumbles and leaves behind the feeble structural integrity of that which held it in tact, and is instantaneously rebuilt in glory with a new integrity built with a sense of true accomplishment! It shall never fall again, a victim of doubt, but rather shall stand tall as a beacon of eternal prosperity.

We cried. We shared a moment that will never diminish. "You have done something bigger than I have ever done" he said to me... How does one weigh and account for a compliment like that? How does one see the value of a statement like that? How is it done, when it is a mere boy, looking into the eyes of his father when he receives those words from him...?

You shall never expect it when it comes...and therefore, you shall never forget it when it is said. An imprint across the heart of the highest magnitude, for those things can only be said and understood when done in the truest sense of love from father to son.

This place called....space....

Life it seems is not without a sense of humor, irony, and of course.....hope. This page illustrates the one thing that everyone seems to look for, but few of us ever find...Peace. "Life is nothing, until life is love", is the motto I have chosen to live my life by. I cannot explain how much I feel like life has taken me on this humorous journey accompanied only by an akward sense of irony. You may ask "what irony?" to which I answer. Irony seems to be the conquest against me. I fight my way through its deamons of mind, and depths of darkness in the unknown regions of my heart. In this battle that seems almost endless with each day, only because I cannot see the outcome...I turn and look into the light that I have given to the boundaries of my soul and then I see it. Space....so much space that I have explored, and re-explored and tried to know, and learn, and understand. I seek the the knowledge that comes from so much space and yet I find nothing but emptiness. Experience that should map out places that I thought I had been, and yet nothing. I tune out the noise from the world to try and find a quiet wind that would speak to me, but hear only stillness. In the dire moment of despair I think to recall the element of life, that creates everything that should be in that space...I see it.......I smile....I then collect the happiness that emits from it.....portray the memories I have in it....cry joy because of it........and then, in a moment it all disappears when I am asked for the only thing that is already there. space.... I wake up and find myself alone, wrapped in a blanket of that thing which I am left with....space. I laugh at myself because I lay there and wait, with nothing but hope in my heart that this space may dissipate, and be filled with that element. I then look at the face of time as it speaks to me with a clever little grin; "I control the movement of love in your life, because I control the duration of it" And with all the hope of my life, I simply smile back and say, "I control the duration of time, because I control the element of my love, in this life." In this space, I have seen how time can be controlled, and set at naught by the element of creation. And thus life is nothing, because it cannot be anything without the element that created it.....love. "Life is nothing, until life is love". And so it is with this statement, that I find it. Peace....And as usual, it came with it's life long and lasting friends; "humor" and "irony". Cause only when you play with his friends, "humor" and "irony", and learn to understand thier relationship as it is intertwined with you and your life will you see and walk the path that takes you to it. Peace comes with understanding, and understanding comes only through time. Unfortunatley, time posesses everything else we need to communicate...and as I said before, time can only be controlled when it is embraced by love....and finally, life is yours because of love.

Love...(revised)

Love is, wherein someone, you know and see most of the things that you need, you want some of the things you like, you dislike some of the things you think you want, you then learn to want the things that you need. You have to distinguish and to accept the things you don't like, and perhaps even hate, forgive the things that test you beyond your resistance, and enjoy that person for the Love, emotion, affection, hope, desire, and element of which you even exist. Then does none of that matter, for you have found a Love, that cannot be spoken, nor seen in an image, or sung in music and work. It cannot be felt, but through experience that comes with trial and error, and emptiness, and heart ache. Then through forgiveness of pain is THAT Love acquired. I don't claim to be there, but I do claim to have passed on the road to get there. And at this point I am more than willing to accept suggestions on how exactly I can find that road again....perhaps with someone to walk it with?

Eyes...

Each day passes, and with each one I develop a sense of trepidation....not from the world. Not from some dramatic experience that leaves me without heart. But from several experiences. The kind that most people who see, would think it un-substantial, or insignificant, or just pure coincidence...I however was brought up to believe that there is no such thing as coincidence.

When I take each step through life, moving about the place I call work, and home, and play....I am filled with that sense of emptiness that seems to come when my heart finds comfort..... Why is that?

Feelings of depth without light, sensations of flight without wings, speaking without words, and singing without sound....are these results of everyday clamor? Are those the things we earn through silence?

My heart tells me it is not so. I have loved more sincerely than my dreams could have afforded me. And so I have felt the sensations of flight without wings and without wind. I have fought the darkest of battles, and have been the victim of self betrayal.... I have stood by and taken it, and allowed it to shatter the beat in my heart, and therefore have experienced the darkest nights without that light that is so necessary to live! But all these things have created in me a voice to speak without words, and to sing without music! These are the results of the diligent in heart....I know that now.

To feel the freedom of the birds, and write the songs of spring! To paint the colors of Fall within my imagination, and explore the world about me because of that picture....That is what I have come to merit, from what I have seen.

Eyes continuously looking upon me, from all directions, including above were the reasons of trepidation...or so I thought. But it is my own eyes, that have provided me with the vision of things as they can only be seen through the darkest nights....It is the very eyes I see through, that have brought me the realization of truth...I am the author of my overwhelming trepidations....and as such, I have nowhere to go but into the daylight after every night has passed its course.....

How it is....

So if I was to say that things are not as they seem....how would one react?

You say the season is colder than usual...I say it is an endowment of punishment.

You disagree. But I insist...

That is how it is.

There are higher things in our world. Things we will not understand. Religiously, it is called miracle. Scientifically, it is called phenomenon...and then it is taken to be digested, and dissected. Why can't it just be? To me it is called magic....We will never understand some things in this world, and in this life.

....and that is just how it is......

The world of Magic.....

So I thought I would share with everyone who wants to see....my world....

As I conjure the elements needed to show you the world I live in, here are a few things you should know. I live in this world of science, and as someone who endures this existence, I simply fall farther and farther away from the sense of magical embrace we used to have. Our society insists that all things must have reason. We are all part of the vast machine that is technology. The need to be taken apart; the need to be explained; the need to be understood...nullifies the very thing that inspires creation...imagination.

What have we come to....? How far we have wandered... In this society that demands we educate ourselves with the sciences that dictate our existence, I have learned the reasons why our world is the way it is. The scientific approach that needs be a priority in our education, has left a void in my heart.

I see the colors of fall. My mind understands how this is done....scientifically. But how my heart longs to disregard that science, only that I may continually be inspired by the magical aura that causes the change.

I feel that love is a very special thing. It is magical! To sense the connection between two hearts, and feel its burning sensation is the result of conjured magic within the living soul. To see someone for the first time, and know in the passed moment, that your soul had just made a connection is a love spell called "love at first sight", and yet our society would lead us to believe that it is not so.

We become prisoners of our own conscience, because of the lack of expression; because of the dwindling use of magic; and we wonder why we are cold and emotionless.... emotions are ingredients to magic.

I understand this world of science we have made with our minds....and i miss the world of magic we had conjured with our hearts. I see this world as a fading light of magic, and a rising tower of science.

How I long to see that light...and see the rebirth of magic....But the world does not agree with me. They say it is not true, and it cannot be, because it cannot be explained.

....Damn the need to explain......

How I wish that we could live in a world of wonder...and not a world of science.....